The Influence of Parents

There is a well known verse in the Torah that contains three ideas. We are to fear our mother and father, we are to keep Shabbat, and remember Hashem.

The explanation of the Rabbis is that we need not obey our parents if they tell us to violate one of G-d’s laws, such as Shabbat. There is an exemption if the wishes of Hashem are violated.

This is another aspect of the difficulty in honoring parents. There is a natural tendency to trust one’s parents and believe that they have our best interests at heart. There is also a tendency, especially in young children, to be in denial of their parents’ flaws.

If we add to this the possibility that parents might be manipulative and controlling, the child has many things stacked up against him.

The easiest way for a parent to be manipulate, is the use of the word, “love.” What is a child supposed to do when he is told, “I am only telling you to do this because I love you.”

Hopefully, as the child matures, he will begin to recognize these flaws and inconsistencies. It is very difficult to break away from the controlling and manipulative parent.

All of this is implied in that verse that ends with אני ה׳, “I am G-d.” The commandment here is that one must look at his parents and see if his relationship with his parents is bringing him closer to G-d, or not. If they are an impediment, not only must he not listen to his parents, but he must distance himself from them.

When I have counseled couples before marriage, I advise them to take an honest look at their relationship with their parents. If they tend to be overbearing and controlling, or do too much meddling, their marriage is a great opportunity to set limits.

The couple should make it clear that they need their space, that needs to be respected. Certain topics should be clarified as personal and parents need to know their boundaries.

If this is done, it could save so much future grief. A healthy relationship can develop when matters are clarified, and it is clear what the expectations are.

The Torah might give Shabbat as an example of where one need not obey his parents if they tell him to violate it. But it includes much more than that. The goal is to create a healthy, honest relationship between parents and children, where G-d’s word is never compromised.