Daily Dvar Torah
Why Marriages Fail
The Baal Haturim tells us that when Rivka came into Yitzchak’s tent as his wife, he loved her. This was true love as it was not based on anything physical or material. It was a deep, lasting love.
Rabbi Avraham Twerski, who was also a psychiatrist once wrote why marriages fail. He said that the main reason is that the marriage starts out badly from the start.
It is based on, “She says that he has something that I really want, and he says that she has something that he really wants.” When that something is no longer relevant, the marriage falls apart.
The example of Yitzchak and Rivka is that they shared common spiritual goals. These goals never get old, and they establish a partnership that lasts a lifetime. The physical and material are fleeting. They can easily become stale with time.
And certainly, a common lofty goal, is the joint effort in raising children in the path of the Torah. When couples work diligently towards this goal, it helps solidify their bond as well.
Again, the Torah in its own subtle way, gives us lessons that are very valuable. This is the purpose of the Book of Bereishit. We are to learn from the examples of the Matriarchs and Patriarchs.
Finding a Mate
When Eliezer goes out to seek a wife for Yitzchak, he comes up with a condition that will show the worthiness, of the bride to be. She must immediately show signs of Chessed and kindness.
She will do this by offering water to him and his camels. This will show that she is not selfish, but thinks of others.
It is important to note that the Torah is teaching us that this is the most important character trait to look for in a mate. If they do not see that giving selflessly to others is a priority, there could be problems later on.
I always told my students to look for certain specific positive traits when looking to marry. All of them, are deal breakers if these traits are lacking.
First, they must be individuals who understand that they must be constantly working on themselves to become better. As a couple, this task becomes much easier.
Second, they must demonstrate a love for the study of Torah. Such study, must become the foundation of the home.
The third point is to look out for a jealous nature. When one has jealousy in his heart, he will never be happy, and it will be very difficult for a spouse to ever please them.
And the final point is to watch out for feelings of entitlement. When someone feels, everything is coming to them, they will not know how to show appreciation for one’s generosity. It’s difficult for a marriage to work, if one side never feels appreciated.
Eliezer began our lesson as to what to look for in a spouse. I added some of my own points based on the Torah and my own experience in counseling numerous couples. It would be a good idea to learn these lessons well.
A Very Content Mother Sara
The death of our Mother Sara, is generally explained that her soul left her when she heard about the Binding of Isaac. This is generally scene as a very sad tragedy, but there could be another way of looking at what transpired.
As parents and grandparents, we view our task as being teachers and role models, to our children and grandchildren. It is our desire that they learn values and become good, G-d fearing Jews. We continue to give them guidance, to set them on the right path.
Sara understood that this task was placed on her as well. She was to educate her beloved son, Yitzchak, to become a leader in Israel, with unshakable faith in Hashem.
When she heard how Yitzchak conducted himself at the Akeida, and he showed he was willing to give his life, to follow the Divine will, she was satisfied. All of her efforts to instill all that was good in her son, had proven successful.
She had fulfilled her role as mother, and there was nothing left to teach. Yitzchak had mastered everything he learned in his home. Sara was able to leave the world, with great contentment. Her task was over, and she succeeded.
Perhaps it is not realistic that our offspring turn out like Yitzchak. But we must never shirk the responsibility we have to do everything in our power, to instill real Jewish values in our children and grandchildren. They need us, as there are so many enticements in today’s world that could lead them astray. As there is still breath within us, we must not falter in this huge challenge placed upon us. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to one day leave this world and see beautiful fruits of our labor!
Israel’s Second City
The Midrash tells us that when Avraham Avinu served the three angels, he had difficulty catching one of his goats. He chased all the way into a cave, where the goat was hiding. Avraham tasted an amazing sweet fragrance. He realized that it was the smell of the Garden of Eden, and somehow, the entrance to Gan Eden was from there.
This was the מערת המכפלה, the Cave of Machpeila, which Avraham eventually would purchase from Efron the Hittite. He would later learn that Adam and Eve were buried there.
Today this holy site is visited by Jews around the world, as they pay their respects to the Matriachs and Patriarchs of our people.
Because the city of Hebron is often mentioned in the news, in the context of tension between Israelis and Palestinians, the holiness of this city is often overlooked.
It is the “second city” of holiness in all of Israel. Only Jerusalem is holier.
King David made Hebron his capital for seven of his forty year reign. King Saul’s general, Avner Ben Ner, is also buried in Hebron.
The cemetery in Hebron was closed to Jews until the heartbreaking story of Sara Nachshon took place. Sara, the wife of artist, Baruch Nachshon, had lost her infant son to an illness. His name was Avraham.
She carried the remains of her young son to the cemetery and made a request. Things had come full circle, where now Sara asked for a burial place for Avraham.
This time it was Israeli soldiers that had to grant permission. They were full of compassion and broke down and cried. Since then, many holy Jews have been buried there.
We must not overlook this holy city that is rich in Jewish history, and sanctity. All who visit are uplifted. And it all began with a lost goat!
Don’t Be Judgmental
After we learn of Sara’s death, we are told that Avraham went to eulogize his wife, and cry for her. The word, “לבכותה,” to cry, is written in the Torah, with a small letter “כ.”
Many commentators speculated as to the reason for this unusual spelling. The Baal Haturim gives a powerful message with his explanation. He wrote that the small “כ” hinted to the fact that Avraham only cried a little. He wasn’t allowed to fully mourn for his beloved wife, because she was in the category of מאבד עצמו לדעת, that she committed suicide.
The Baal Haturim is referring to the incident where Sara asked Hashem to judge between her and Hagar. Asking for דין, judgement, is a kind of death wish. If the world was judged purely by דין and not רחמים, mercy, nobody could survive.
The Rabbis have a saying that one who judges his friend negatively, will be punished first. People do not realize how much damage they are doing to themselves, when they judge others. And this harm is even greater, when this judgement includes not wishing others well.
This message should be taken very seriously.We must learn to be positive, wish others well, and learn to genuinely be happy when others are successful. Perhaps if we realize the harm we are doing to ourselves, when we think negatively of others, we would make a strong effort to correct this major character flaw.
If a saintly woman like our Mother Sara was called out for her bad judgement, it should motivate us to make these necessary changes.
Circumcision
We learned at the end of Parshat Lech Lecha, the importance of the Mitzva of Brit Milah, or circumcision. Avraham Avinu performed this Mitzva at the age of ninety-nine. This is what made him complete, and worthy of being the father of the Jewish nation.
Other than the offering of the Pesach sacrifice, Milah is the only positive commandment in the Torah, where a punishment is attached for its non fulfillment. The punishment is “Karet,” being cut off from the Jewish nation.
It is amazing how many times I have witnessed adult males, who eagerly performed this Mitzva, in their desire to convert and become part of the Jewish nation.
It is equally amazing how this Mitzva is fulfilled by Jews of all denominations, as they realize that this is the ritual, that makes the Jewish baby, part of the Jewish people.
In the days of the Tanach, it was a very derogatory way to speak of someone as ערל, “Arel,” or uncircumcised. David told King Saul that there was no need for him to be afraid of the ערל, Goliath.
This coming week’s Parsha, begins with Abraham’s recovery from his procedure. Hashem visits him to show the example of visiting the sick.
There is a Midrash that says that Avraham sat by the entrance to Gehinnom (translated as hell) and tried to even prevent the wicked from entering unless they were circumcised.
This Mitzva has a great deal of mystery connected to it. Yet, all Jews understand and believe how important it is to perform. It represents a kind of inexplicable spiritual bond between all Jews.
This spiritual bond should spread to become a physical bond, where we become as we were on Mount Sinai, איש אחד בלב אחד, like one man of one heart.
Maintaining Independence
A great deal is learned from the dialogue between the King of Sodom, and Avraham Avinu. Avraham has liberated Sodom with an incredible war victory. The king apparently wished to offer a generous reward to Avraham for his efforts. He could have made him extremely wealthy by taking the spoils of war. Avraham declined this offer.
He was trying to teach a lesson to future generations in terms of how to deal with our Gentile neighbors. Before accepting gifts from them, one must be very careful to see what the ramifications are, of such gifts.
If they are able to use these gifts as a means to control us, and make us beholden to them, we must retain our independence.
Abraham declared that he was not willing to have the King of Sodom brag that he was the one who made Avraham a rich man. The price of accepting this token generosity, would cost much more in the long run.
This message also applies to us on a personal level. We must do our best to retain our independence, so that we are only subservient to Hashem, and nobody else. This can apply to our relationship with family members or our employer. Before we accept financial offers, we need to see if there are strings attached. Avraham taught us that we must take great care, so that our pure connection with G-d is not obstructed.
A Loving Family
The Baal Haturim takes the last letters of four consecutive words in Parshat Lech Lecha. The words are, איש מעל אחיו אברם. These last letters spell the word, שלום, peace.
The reference is to the separation between Avraham and his nephew, Lot. Rather than continuing a dispute and creating more bad feelings, Avraham realized that if they keep their distance from one another, there could be Shalom between them.
There was once a Jewish comedienne named Milton Berle, who said, “Happiness is a warm, loving family, in another city!”
We are taught by our sages, and we include this in our morning prayers, that Hashem will help us be distanced from bad friends and bad neighbors. We must place ourselves in the best possible environment for growth.
When it comes to family, we need to be truthful and see if closeness to them is helpful and positive, or not. I make a point of telling young couples about to marry, that they must set boundaries with their so called close relatives.
I have seen numerous instances where the meddling of well intentioned parents, destroys the marriage of their children. It is hard enough to keep a marriage together these day. The young couple must be given their space so that they can build their own relationship that will increase their love and respect for one another.
The stories of the Torah carry very practical lessons. There are times that for the sake of peace, and one’s mental well being, where it becomes necessary to keep a distance from negative influences. Perhaps the words of Milton Berle, are not a joke, but sound advice.
Reward and Punishment
The Ramchal has a short essay on reward and punishment at the end of his book, Derech Hashem, the Way of G-d.
It is well known that one of the Thirteen Principles of Faith of the Rambam, is that G-d rewards all good deeds, and punishes the bad deeds. This is viewed as one of the foundations of Judaism. Hashem expressed His confidence that His justice would be taught by Abraham to his children.
The Ramchal’s explanation of how this system of justice works, is very insightful. Because it is a Divine system, it is very complex, and not easily understood by man. The important point to know is that it is absolutely just, and that we cannot understand it.
There are certain good and bad deeds, whose rewards and punishments, are felt immediately. There are others that may take a while to be seen, according to whenever Hashem decides. And there are other instances where the reward and punishment will not be seen at all in this world. This justice will come after we leave this world.
We should not be deterred by צדיק ורע לו רשע וטוב לו, where it appears that the wicked prosper, and the righteous suffer. Our responsibility is to be the best people we can be, and have the confidence that absolute, perfect justice will come, as G-d sees fit.
Abraham’s Sins
There is a well known saying of the Rabbis, that Hashem is very particular with the righteous. The expectation of exemplary behavior is much greater on them, than on average individuals.
This could be the explanation of a strange Gemara in Nedarim. It gives three apparently, minor infractions of Avraham Avinu, that was treated very harshly, and was the cause of the exile to Egypt of the Jewish people.
He questioned G-d by asking for some proof that his seed would continue his beliefs.
His deal with the King of Sodom, was wrong in that he returned his prisoners. He should have taught these prisoners about the One, true G-d.
And the third infraction is very difficult to understand. The Gemara says that Avraham was guilty of taking Torah students away from their studies, and making them fight in that battle of the four kings verses the five kings.
The Torah says, וירק את חניכיו, translated by Artscroll, “He armed his disciples.” The version of the Talmud is that he emptied his students of their studies.
All of these minor sins can be seen as a very strong response by Hashem. But this last point is especially troubling. It could very well be that there is a double message here.
There is no doubt that fighting in Hashem’s army, is one of the loftiest pursuits for a Jew. We cherish the holy soldiers of the IDF. But we must never minimize the contribution of diligent Torah scholars, whose devotion and dedication also brings protection to the Jewish people.
Even in the time of Abraham, this message rang clear. We must love our soldiers defending us. But we must also love our Torah scholars, who also defend us.
Passing Divine Tests
Parshat לך לך begins with the first of ten tests that Avraham Avinu was given, to show his perfect faith in G-d. This first test or נסיון, was to leave his family and go to the Land that he would be shown.
The final test was the Binding of Isaac, known as עקידת יצחק. It is noteworthy that the last test also began with the words, לך לך, where Avraham was told to go the Land of Moriah, and sacrifice his son.
The double language is explained that Avraham was to go, but it really was for his own benefit. This is the lesson related to the tests that all of mankind is given. When he passes the test, he is strengthened. And Hashem never sends us a test that we can’t pass. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t a major challenge, because it often is.
The Ramchal in Derech Hashem points out that G-d, Himself, created evil in the world, in order to test man. He wanted to be able to give man the ultimate good for eternity, but it needed to be deserved.
When man is able to use his free will and overcome the temptations that exist in the world, he becomes empowered. He knows the struggle to always do the right thing and make the right decisions. He realizes the sacrifices of avoiding taking the easy way out, and, instead, being willing to go that extra distance, that others are not.
When one can look back at his life with pride, that he did not rationalize, but served G-d to the fullest, he will be granted that Good, reserved for the righteous.
This was the example of Avraham Avinu. His commitment and faith, served as an example for all of his descendants. We pray for the time of Mashiach, when evil will be destroyed, because the world will all except Hashem as the true King.
Emulating the Patriarchs
This week we begin the stories related to our patriarchs, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The Ramban introduces the concept of מעשה אבות סימן לבנים, that the incidents that occurred to the Avot, are a sign of what their descendants will experience.
Rav Eliyahu Dessler explained that there are three qualities that an individual must possess, in order to achieve the ultimate good.
He must be driven by the כח הנתינה, the power of giving. He realizes the importance of doing acts of kindness, and helping others. This is attributed to the nature of Avraham Avinu.
This quality of giving, must be accompanied by fear of Heaven. He looks within himself to be certain that his actions are sincere, with the right intentions. This was exemplified by Yitzchak Avinu.
And finally, he must be a man of truth. This desire for truth in all that he does, guides him. This was Yakov Avinu. We must continue to incorporate these three great qualities into our personalities.
We will study again the lives of our patriarchs, and attempt to emulate these saintly individuals, who were the foundation of the Jewish people.
Lessons from Tower of Bavel
The parallels between the incident of the Tower of Bavel, and the situation in the world, is very striking.
The motivation for the tower, was ונעשה לנו שם, “Let us make a name for ourselves.” It was a total negation that there was a god in control of the universe.
They believed that they had no accountability and they were free to do whatever they pleased. They thought that they could choose whatever morality they wanted. And they also believed they could outsmart the laws of nature.
Rashi explains that the existence of a tower that reached the heavens, would prevent a plague from scattering the population.
This foolishness was easily deflected by Hashem, when they no longer spoke the same language, and were, in fact, scattered all over the earth.
We see others in the past, like Titus, who insisted that G-d only had power in the sea, but not on earth. All Hashem had to do was send a gnat up the nose of Titus, to torment and defeat him.
The world today acts as if there is no god, and there is no accountability. There is no yardstick as to what is moral and decent. A new, perverted, definition of morality has emerged. The level of insanity, knows no bounds.
There will come a time, and hopefully soon, where the world will realize that there is a Master of the Universe, who will again rule over the world, and will show the path of real truth and real morality.
Wealth Can Be Detrimental
The Baal Haturim pointed out that the word, ״יקום״ meaning, “existence,” is used describing the demise of the generation of the flood. The word, יקום, is also used applying to Korach. The ״יקום״ of this evil man also ceased to exist.
Our sages found a parallel between the two. They said that just as the generation of the flood sinned when given an abundance of goodness, the same applied to Korach, who was given an abundance of wealth.
There is a verse in Kohelet that says, עושר שמור לבעליו לרעתו, that wealth is provided to its owners, to their detriment. We learn a principle that an individual has a tendency to rebel against G-d when he is filled up.
People with wealth and comfort, foolishly believe that they are safe and invincible. They do not need to reach out to Hashem to provide for their sustenance. They already have it. Only after some unforeseen, difficult situation, do they realize how vulnerable they are.
We must never forget for a moment that every aspect of our existence, is only because of the good graces of G-d. We are owed nothing, and all that we have is a Divine gift.
We need to be reminded of this when we study the results of those who thought they knew better, and rebelled against G-d.
Partial Praise
There is a principle learned from Noach that one should not give complete praise directly to another individual. He should only give partial praise instead.
This is intended to keep a person from getting carried away with himself and becoming arrogant. The Torah emphasizes the importance of humility, or ענווה, as exemplified by the humblest of all men, Moshe Rabbeinu. The negative trait of arrogance, or גאווה, can be very destructive. It totally distances a person from Hashem. G-d says to this conceited individual that he must realize that he is not in control of anything.
The phrase in Hebrew is מקצת שבחו בפניו ולא כולו בפניו. Only part of one’s praise should be given, but not all of it.
The Torah describes Noach as צדיק תמים, translated by Artscroll, as righteous and perfect. Yet, when G-d actually speaks to Noach, He tells him that he is viewed as a צדיק, righteous person. The part of him being תמים, perfect in his generation, was left out, in order not to overly praise him.
This is a good lesson for all of us in our interpersonal relationships. It is certainly nice to compliment others. But we should not over do it. We can become flatterers and we may not be doing the recipient of the compliment a favor.
This is another example of practical teachings gleaned from the Torah.
Spilling Blood
In Parshat Noach, the Torah introduces us to the Seven Noachide Laws. These laws became the basis for every society to function effectively. It was clear that man without laws, would self destruct primarily because of the influence of the Yeitzer Hara, the evil inclination.
The actual wording of the commandment regarding murder, is fascinating. The beginning of the verse speaks of “spilling the blood of an individual inside another person.” In Hebrew, שופך דם האדם באדם. The obvious case of a person inside another person, would be a woman carrying her child. Many commentators see this as a direct biblical prohibition to perform abortion. This applies to Jews and Gentiles alike.
The end of the verse says that “G-d will seek out the blood of your souls.” The reference here is that we must not do anything harmful to our souls. This prohibits suicide and it even forbids cursing ourselves.
We were given a very precious soul that it is our duty to protect it. We must not take another life, nor are we permitted to take our own life, nor are we permitted to take the life of the fetus that lives inside its mother.
This is why we must not study Torah superficially. If we look more deeply into the text as explained by our great sages, there is so much to learn.
Proper Choices
The Baal Haturim was clearly an expert of every word of the Torah, and must have had a phenomenal memory. He made note of the use of the word, ותמלא, “and it was filled,” in Parshat Noach, and again in the beginning of the Book of Exodus.
In Noach, the ותמלא was telling us that the land was filled with חמס, corruption. And in Shemot, “the land was filled with them.” The Torah was describing the incredible number of Jewish babies born in Egypt.
There is a verse in Kohelet 7:14 that says, זה לעמת זה עשה אלוקים, “G-d has made the one as well as the other.” This is a reference to the fact that there is good, and there is evil in the world. It is G-d Himself, who created both, so that man be able to be rewarded with the ultimate good, for choosing good over evil.
In the end of days, evil will be destroyed and good will reign in the world. At that time, G-d will be recognized by the entire world, and His name will be One.
The Rambam wrote that there is a simple way to gauge whether something is good or evil. If it is right in the eyes of Hashem as dictated in the Torah, it is good. If it is contrary to the will of G-d, it is evil. The world would be a much better place, if this was the yardstick used by all nations and individuals.
So it is up to us as to whether the land be filled with corruption, or the land be filled with numerous Jewish babies, forming the holy nation of Israel.
The World is Based on Chessed
There is a verse in Psalms 89:3 that says, עולם חסד יבנה, that the world is built on Chessed, acts of kindness. Hashem’s sole purpose in creating the world was to benefit mankind.
G-d gave men a chance to serve Him only so that He could then reward them with Divine kindness. This concept was seen very clearly in the case of Noach and the flood.
The Torah tells us that the world was filled with חמס, corruption before the flood. It was full of theft and taking from one another with no limits. This needed to be rectified by the year spent in the ark.
Rav Eliyahu Dessler pointed out that Noach and his family that were only eight individuals, were involved in Chessed, day and night for the entire year.
He claimed that they fed thousands of animals around the clock, according to each animal’s needs. Everything needed to be timed just right so that the animals did not get violent. This was meant to offset the cruelty and selfishness of the generation.
We find an example from Abraham where he was distraught on that hot day, when there was no one around to give some kindness. The righteous live to give and help others. The wicked only take, and never give of themselves. For the world to exist as it should, it must be based on loving kindness and helping others.
The rewards for Chessed are immeasurable, but most of all, it gives the giver a strong feeling of contentment and satisfaction. It is clear what King David meant in Psalms, when he said that the world was built on Chessed.
Best Advice Ever
Before the creation of Eve, the first woman, the Torah makes a very important statement. “It is not good for man to be alone.” Based on this statement, it is strongly recommended that one remain married throughout his life.
Loneliness is not seen as being in a very positive state. Having a “helpmate,” or partner, sharing in one’s life, provides for a much healthier state of being. The love and encouragement each spouse gives to one another, will allow them to remain happy and content. This is the ideal that the Torah set forth for all human beings.
The obvious objection to this position is that too often marriage does not provide this peace of mind. It can be a situation that is one of great strife and discontent.
It appears that the high rate of divorce today is directly related to the general attitude of entitlement and the need to “feel good” at all times. Rather than put in the effort to make the marriage work, they go the easier route, and end the relationship.
The best piece of advice I ever received, came nearly forty-eight years ago. When I told my wise, old teacher, Rabbi Starr, that I got engaged, he had a strange reaction.
He began interrogating me as to whether I was absolutely sure that this was the woman I wanted to marry. I felt like I was on a witness stand. Finally, he explained that I must remember to do everything possible to make this marriage work. He said never to even think of the word divorce. There may be difficult moments, but you must make every effort to make it work.
I have given this advice to numerous couples over the years. Many have come back and told me that this actually was the best advice ever.
Even when I counsel couples who are at the point of divorce, I tell them that they must be honest that they absolutely did everything possible to make that marriage work.
The Torah’s wisdom that it is not good for man to be alone, should never be taken lightly.
Man’s Laws-G-do’s Laws
We are told at the end of פרשת בראשית that as the population of the world increased, G-d made an observation of man’s nature. He noticed that the inclination of man’s thoughts was evil.
Here was a telling realization that man was incapable of making a workable system of laws for its society. Because of this inclination towards evil, it is almost impossible to come up with moral and just laws.
The obvious conclusion is that man made laws would not be sustained, and only a system designed by Hashem, Himself, would last through the generations.
Rabbi Twerski pointed out that the principle of, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” has been substituted with, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of pleasure.”
There is a big difference between happiness and pleasure. Happiness can come by way of the satisfaction one gets for having accomplished a noble task. Pleasure is usually based on some kind of physical self gratification.
If man is guided by the pursuit of pleasure, he will make laws that allow an individual to do whatever “feels good,” whether it is moral or not.
We have been witnessing such a degradation of society where laws that we would have thought unthinkable a generation ago, have now become the law of the land. Legalizing drugs, gambling, and abortion, are only a few examples.
The Torah is making a very strong statement. Without Divine laws, society will increasingly decay. Because the thoughts of man are only evil.