Diplomatically Separate

It is interesting to note how Yakov diplomatically separated himself from Eisav. After the two brothers made peace, Eisav offered to travel together with his brother’s family.

Yakov realized that his association with Eisav cannot bring any positive results. His negative influence on Yakov’s family would have been seriously detrimental. This was a warning for future generations as to how to take great caution in our association with the Gentile world.

At our Passover Seder, we recite the Pasuk, וירעו אותנו המצרים. The word וירעו, is generally translated that the Egyptians acted in an evil way, derived from the word, רע.

But וירעו could also come from the word רעך, your friend.

Rabbi Twerski points out how historically we have been harmed by physical attacks against Jews. The Holocaust was such an example where six million Jews perished. But since the Holocaust, we lost six million Jews to intermarriage. This came about because Jews were befriended by their non-Jewish acquaintances.

The best way for us to act is to remain separate. We are to always be courteous and respectful in our dealings with non-Jews, but we must realize the dangers.

Once a distraught father went to Rabbi Twerski, after his son had intermarried. He told the rabbi that had he known the future outcome, he would have kept a kosher home. We must learn from Yakov how to separate and take pride in our own Jewishness.

Eisav Hates Yakov

The מעינה של תורה tries to give an explanation to a rabbinic statement that says, הלכה: עשו שונא את יעקב. It is a rule that Eisav hates Yakov.

This is a painful statement with a strong dose of reality. It doesn’t matter what Jews will do in their interaction with non-Jews. Jews will be hated.

Over the centuries, Jews assumed they will gain popularity if they choose to be socialists. At other times, they thought capitalism would allow them to be accepted by their Gentile peers. This did not work either.

Today, many believe that it is liberalism that will bring this sought after acceptance. Nothing is meant to work as this is the Jewish destiny.

We are not meant to mix with the other nations. We are a nation that dwells apart. We have a special role to play in the world.

We are not meant to have a social relationship when we live among non-Jews. We are allowed to have a political or economic relationship.

We must always be aware of this “Halacha.” When we accept this reality, we will be better off for it. Living with delusions, is never a healthy way to live.

Timna

The end of פרשת וישלח gives us the lineage of עשו’s family. If one looks closely at the various families, we see how incest was rampant and it was far from family purity.

We were also told that Timna was the concubine of Eisav’s son, Eliphaz. She was also the mother of Amalek, the archenemy of the Jewish people.

The Talmud in Sanhedrin tells us that this same Timna, was rejected for conversion by Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yakov. This was difficult to understand how all three felt that she was not worthy of becoming part of the Jewish people.

It is assumed that they all had a legitimate reason to reject her, but they were still reprimanded for their lack of compassion. The proof that their decision was wrong was evidenced by the ultimate birth of Amalek.

Rabbi Twerski suggested that perhaps things could have turned out differently had there been more sensitivity and compassion. If Timna was given more kindness in the way that they did not accept her, it may have been better.

In life, we are all faced with the problem of having to reject someone. It might apply to Shidduchim, or in an employer-employee situation. We can’t hire everyone, but we should still be gentle in our rejection of that individual. This lesson can be learned from Timna, the mother of Amalek.

Loneliness

The incident of Yakov wrestling with the angel, came about when Yakov was left alone. He went back to retrieve some forgotten packages that were left behind.

Rabbi Twerski took this story to speak about the highly negative side of loneliness. Aside from being told in the Torah that it is not good when man is left alone, it can be detrimental to one’s emotional well being.

When one chooses to be alone, it could lead to self centeredness. And when a person is not giving to others, he will be unhappy and lacking in self esteem. These become the ingredients towards alcoholism and other addictions.

When one does acts of kindness, Chessed, it gives him a sense of purpose meaning, and worthiness. Selfish people, despite having great wealth, are miserable. One cannot achieve real joy, unless he is a real giver.

There is a clear danger to isolation. Ideally, we need to surround ourselves with people that share the same principles of Chessed. Helping others becomes contagious.

Yakov was left alone and he overcame the challenge. But it was quite a struggle that left him with a limp so that he would remember the lesson. We are nation where we are meant to give and strengthen one another. We are not meant to be alone.

Eisav’s Merits

We learn in our Parsha that Yakov had a fear that he lost his merits and might not be able to overcome Eisav. He thought that perhaps during his twenty years with Lavan, he may have sinned and he was no longer worthy of Hashem’s protection.

In addition to this concern, he realized that although Eisav was clearly a רשע, an evil person, he performed two Mitzvot that he did not.

During Yakov’s long absence, he was not performing the Mitzva of Kibbud Av, honoring his father, that Eisav did observe diligently. Eisav also fulfilled the Mitzva of settling in Eretz Yisrael, that Yakov did not.

It is even told that the Vilna Gaon once lamented the fact that he never was able to live in Israel. He said that he wasn’t even as good as Eisav, who did fulfill that Mitzva.

We learn from all of this that we must never underestimate the value of even one Mitzva. We do not know how Hashem decides one’s merits. Therefore, we should try to observe all Mitzvot diligently.

Face to Face Confrontation

This week we read of the reunion between Yakov and Eisav in פרשת וישלח. It was clear that Eisav hated Yakov for taking the first born blessing from him. It looked as though he was ready for war, and he wanted to destroy his twin brother.

Rabbi Twerski felt that a great deal can be learned from Yakov and how he appeased his brother, and ended the conflict.

The turning point that made Eisav cool off from his great resentment of his brother, came when they actually met face to face. Perhaps the gifts Yakov sent, softened him up, but it wasn’t until they met, that things changed.

Rabbi Twerski wrote of some major disagreements between certain Chassidic masters, and their conflict ended as well when they met face to face.

He even quoted Abraham Lincoln who once said, “I do not like that man very much. I should get to know him better!”

When people are not getting along and they stop speaking to one another, they need a cooling off period. But the way to make things right comes with a face to face meeting. Dramatic changes in feelings can occur, when there is a direct relationship.

Obviously, this is not a full proof method, and relationships are very complicated. Nevertheless, if such a solution worked for Yakov, it is something that we should give serious consideration.

Indifference

Rabbi Twerski has a novel idea in interpreting the reason why Yakov realized it was time to leave חרן and come back to Eretz Yisrael.

The Torah tells us that Yakov looked at Lavan and did not like the expression on his face. Most interpret this to mean that Lavan’s expression changed and Yakov noticed this anger in his eyes that could potentially harm him and his family.

Rabbi Twerski felt that Yakov began to be alarmed because he suddenly saw himself as being indifferent to the evil of his father in-law. Until then, every time he looked at Lavan, he was fully aware of the extent of the evil and deceit of his wives’ father. Now, after twenty years, he started getting used to that expression.

Yakov understood that indifference is a dangerous thing. When evil is suddenly tolerated, it has a profoundly negative effect on society.

We have become an indifferent society. So many things that we found unacceptable and even repulsive, are now viewed as the norm.

There was a time that it was considered immoral for an unmarried couple to live together. Physician assisted killings, gang wars, school shootings, same sex marriages, and drug abuse, were things that once created outrage among the masses. The indifference to all of this, has caused a weakening of the moral fabric of today’s society.

When Yakov saw himself as becoming indifferent to the רשע, Lavan, he knew it was time to go. If he wouldn’t leave, the holiness and service of Hashem that he had worked for, would now be compromised. He could not let this happen.

Blaming

There is a strange Rashi in connection with the birth of Yosef. Rachel had desired a son very badly, and she felt like a dead person without a child. Finally, when she was blessed with a son, Rashi says that she is relieved for now she has someone to blame.

It seems that out great matriarch, Rachel, who did an incredible act of loyalty to her sister, to save her humiliation, would view a son as someone to blame.

Rabbi Twerski felt that this comment was said half in jest, and Rashi had a sense of humor. But he used this commentary as an opportunity to speak about blaming, in general.

He sees blaming as a very negative character trait. Blaming is counter productive. It holds us back from accomplishing and gives us an excuse not to achieve. In essence, those who choose to blame are doing this in order to resist change. It is much easier to blame others rather than look at ourselves, and do what is necessary to make improvements in our character and our overall functioning in this world.

Perhaps when we realize how harmful blaming is to us, we will stop doing it, and focus on what is really important in this world.

One Day At a Time

Rabbi Twerski asks a very good question as to how it was possible for Yakov Avinu to look at his seven year wait,(he was eighty three at the time), as ימים אחדים, just a few days.

The Torah makes it sound as though those seven years of hard work in anticipation of getting married, seemed like only a few days. For anyone else, each day would seem like an eternity, until they would be able to be united with their true love.

Rabbi Twerski learned the answer to this question from recovering drug and alcohol addicts. He often marveled as to how they had the will power to make a serious change in their life.

Over and over, he was told by those who successfully recovered, that the secret to their success, was simply taking one day at a time.

If someone looks at a task ahead of him, reaching the finish line seems like something insurmountable. But if you take things one day at a time, you can much more easily reach your goal.

Yakov saw that seven year wait as ימים אחדים, because he was not focused on the seven years. He was focused on one day at a time, and that’s how it seemed the years passed quickly.

Good Midot Are Infectious

After Yakov had experienced the miracle of קפיצת הדרך, where he arrived in חרן in record time, he met the shepherds by the well. ( A friend of mine told me that the chief rabbi of Turkey told him that he could show him that exact well where Yakov met Rachel. חרן was in Turkey.)

He rebuked the shepherds for not giving water to the flocks. They told him about the heavy rock covering the well. Rav Shimshon Rafael Hirsh wrote that the rock was there in the first place, because the shepherds didn’t trust one another, and were afraid there wouldn’t be enough water for themselves. In essence Yakov was rebuking them for their bad character.

Rabbi Twerski commented that good Midot are infectious. When one surrounds himself with good people, their goodness will spread to all those around them.

Trust and diligence go hand in hand. The same is true of distrust and laziness. This is but another example of lessons learned from an apparently trivial incident.

Holy Sleep

Shavua Tov-

Rabbi Twerski has an unusual take on one aspect of Yakov Avinu’s dream. He points out that when he woke up from his sleep, he realized that Hashem was in that place.

The realization that he made after not sleeping for fourteen years in the Yeshiva of Shem and Eiver, is that sleep can be a holy act. Yakov suddenly realized that a rejuvenated body, is better able to serve Hashem.

Therefore, when one goes to sleep and he thinks that he’s sleeping because he needs sleep, it is a mundane act. But when he is consciously aware that his sleep will better allow him to serve Hashem, sleeping becomes a holy act.

Mishlei also makes such a reference when Shlomo Hamelech points out that when we sleep the amount needed, it is serving Hashem. But when we increase sleep when not needed, it is an act of laziness.

The message here is, בכל דרכיך דעהו, “In all your ways, know Him.” The goal is to elevate otherwise mundane activities to acts that serve G-d. A student of mine once said, “I didn’t brush my teeth just to brush my teeth. I did so that my mouth will be clean, when I say my prayers to Hashem.” He got the message.

Yakov’s Low Self Esteem

This week read פרשת ויצא and Yakov’s dream of the ladder and angels ascending and descending. There is a very difficult Midrash that days Yakov was told by G-d in the dream to ascend the ladder and not be afraid.

The Midrash explains that Yakov saw the mighty empires of Babylonia, Persia, Greece, and Rome, also ascending the ladder. Yakov was afraid that if he went up the ladder, he would have to descend. Despite Hashem’s promise that he would not fall, his fear overtook him, and he did not go up the ladder.

He was told that because of his lack of trust and giving in to his fears, his descendants will now have to suffer under the rulership of these four empires.

This seems like a very harsh punishment for his momentary lack of faith. Yakov thought that perhaps he lost his merits because of his sins. Avraham Avinu never had such doubts.

Rabbi Twerski wrote that Yakov’s actions reflect a sign of low self esteem where he is afraid to initiate, for fear of failure. Success occurs only when one has the strength to withstand failure.

There are so many lessons to be learned from our forefathers.

Don’t Cause Grief to Others

Many commentators point out the similarities in wording between Eisav’s crying out upon hearing that the ברכה was taken from him, and Mordechai’s crying out after learning of Haman’s plans.

In פרשת תולדות it says, ויצעק צעקה גדולה ומרה and in מגילת אסתר it’s written, ויזעק זעקה גדולה ומרה. The translation in both instances is the same. Both Eisav and Mordechai cried a great and bitter cry. The words צעקה and זעקה both mean to cry out.

Rabbi Twerski takes this interesting similarity to teach that causing another person distress, is a very grievous sin. Yakov Avinu was obeying his mother’s instructions by dressing up as his brother. And it was clear that Eisav had sold the birthright and didn’t deserve it. Nevertheless, causing another person grief is a very serious matter. It is so serious that it may have been responsible for Eisav’s descendant, Haman, to threaten to annihilate the Jewish people.

We are to take this message to heart in our day to day dealings. If one fills the role as employer and he needs to dismiss an employee. Or, he has ten applicants for one position. He should fulfill his task with compassion and kindness. It’s bad enough that the other side will feel disappointment. He does not need to also feel humiliation.

We should always do our best to consider the feelings of others. Fortunately, we do not have to deal with Eisavs, but we should always try to be nice.

Materialism and Spirituality

Rabbi Twerski pointed out that it is interesting that when Yitzchak blessed Yakov, thinking it was Eisav, he began with the words, ויתן לך אלוקים, “May Hashem give you.”

His רוח הקודש, Holy Spirit, caused Yitzchak to include G-d’s name in the blessing. But when Eisav came and begged his father for some kind of blessing, the Bracha that he ultimately received, did not include Hashem’s name.

This implies that there was a subconscious realization on the part of Yitzchak, that Eisav did not have ability to connect to anything spiritual.

And when Yakov was blessed with “the dew from Heaven, and the oils of the earth,” there was another important subtle lesson for Yakov and his descendants to learn.

A Jew can live a spiritual life, ONLY if he realizes that one’s mundane possessions are a Divine gift. Without this realization, his materialism will weigh him down and prevent him from rising to spiritual heights, as intended in Yitzchak’s blessing.

Highs and Lows

We learn another important message from the interaction between Yakov and Eisav. We see the extremes that a Jew can choose when deciding how to live one’s life.

A Jew is different from a Gentile in that the spiritual heights that a Jew is capable of achieving, cannot be matched by anyone but a Jew.

And if, G-d forbid, one goes to the other extreme, a Jew can sink to a lower level than any other human being.

This was seen in the behavior of Yakov and Eisav. Yakov chose the path of holiness and his whole essence was to get closer and closer to Hashem. Eisav, on the other hand, epitomized evil. Five years were taken from Avraham’s life so that he would be spared from seeing his grandson for what he was. Eisav raped and murdered, was an idolator, and rejected the G-d of his father.

Some held that despite how far a person fell, his Pintele Yid, his flicker of Jewishness would come out. Others held that there was a point of no return where one would never be able to pick himself up.

The choice is ours as to which path we take in life. It is not always easy to make the right choices. But we say in Pirkei Avot, לפום צערא אגרא, according to the pain, is the reward.

Eisav’s Reasoning

Rabbi Twerski compares Eisav’s behavior at the time of the selling of the birthright, to many of the scoffers of our religion.

He describes the meeting over the lentil soup in a unique way. When Eisav asks why the lentil soup, Yakov informs his brother that their grandfather, Avraham, had passed away. Eisav reacts to the news by claiming how unjust it was for their saintly grandfather to be taken from this world. It is another indication that the world is not run by fairness and goodness, if such a man could be taken.

Eisav was showing why his way of life of living for the moment, made the most sense. He did not believe in עולם הבא, the World to Come, and certainly did not believe in תחיית המתים, the Resurrection of the Dead.

Yakov then realized that the birthright should be his, and Eisav willingly sold it to him. Unfortunately, there are many scoffers among us, that share Eisav’s views. If they would only open their eyes and see the bigger picture, they might realize just how special it is to be a Jew.

Positive Environment

Shavua Tov-

A question was asked about Yakov Avinu in the womb. We are told that when Rivka passed a place of learning, he wanted to get out. If it is known by tradition that a baby is learning Torah while in the womb, why did he want to get out?

The answer that is given is that even though the fetus, Yakov, was learning Torah, he wanted to do this in the proper environment. If it meant learning Torah with the wicked Eisav, he preferred to learn in “Cheidar,” a school for children, than being in the comfort of his mother’s womb.

Although this is slightly humorous, there is a message here.

We must never minimize how we are affected by our environment. We must place ourselves in the best situation where we can thrive.

If someone chooses to live in a place where he is the only observant Jew, among totally secular people, and he believes that he will maintain his intense Torah study and religious observance, he is badly mistaken.

We all need to be in a setting where we are surrounded by others who share our priorities. This way we become a team working together to achieve our goals. When we are going against the current, it is a challenge we cannot overcome.

Even Yakov in the womb, understood this!

Rebuke Brings Peace

This week we read פרשת תולדות. It begins by telling us that both Yitzchak and Rivka prayed very hard that they would be blessed with a child for they were barren.

Rabbi Twerski questions the Midrash that says that Hashem desires the prayers of the righteous. He points out that it almost seems cruel that Hashem puts Yitzchak and Rivka through the agony of being childless, just because He likes the prayers of צדיקים.

The answer to this question serves to emphasize the power of prayer.

The explanation to this question is that Hashem felt that Yitzchak and Rivka needed to rise spiritually before they were ready to become parents to children who were meant to carry on Jewish values.

Prayer has the ability to do this. We, too, are capable of rising spiritually through prayer. We must not be in a rush to get it over with. But we must work at putting ourselves in a high meditative state, where we can feel Hashem close to us. We must never underestimate the power of prayer. It truly can bring about a change of decrees made against us in Heaven. And we might very well be given, what we ask for. It worked for Yitzchak and Rivka, and can also work for us.

Shidduchim

Rabbi Twerski points out that the only real biblical source for Shidduchim, or matchmaking, is the incident of Eliezer seeking a bride for Yitzchak.

What we learn from this incident is that the most important thing to look for in a spouse, is good Midot. When Eliezer saw the kindness and Chessed in Rivka’s behavior, he was convinced that she was the right choice.

The same yardstick should apply today as well, where good character should be on the top of our list of priorities.

In addition to Chessed, there should also be אמת. This means both honesty and being truthful.

The worst way to start a marriage is to conceal flaws until after the marriage. These may involve Jewish genetic diseases, or other serious medical issues. The lack of אמת that is only found out later, may be too painful a disappointment to overcome.

Instead of getting bogged down on expensive and often foolish wedding plans, it is far more important to focus on the kind of home that will be created after the wedding.

And if we learn from the Rivka-Yitzchak Shidduch, that home must have Chessed as its foundation.

Challenges for Parents

Rav Yakov Yisrael Kanievski, who was known as the Steipler Gaon, and died in 1985, had an interesting observation about our current way of life.

The affluence of today’s world, comes with a price, as compared with previous generations. It was not that long ago that most Jews lived in poverty, and were accustomed to not being able to attain their desires.

A fruit was a precious treat, and a new article of clothing, a rare acquisition. A child learned to live with hunger, and this trained him to be happy with his lot.

Nowadays, children are used to getting whatever they want. There is an abundance of food, including sweets, and every child dresses like a prince. Children come to expect that they will easily receive whatever they want.

When they start school and meet other children who are brighter than them, this creates envy and jealousy.

Parents cannot give their children success and respect. This is the major down side of affluence. It creates this negative trait of jealousy, mainly because they are taught they can have everything. Their parents cannot make their children the smartest and brightest. But they must be aware of this modern day challenge.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive negative personality traits. It takes away all hope of joy and contentment. The advice of the Steipler Gaon should be taken very seriously.