Being “In Denial”

It is difficult to understand how Yosef recognized his brothers, when they came down to Egypt, but they did not recognize him. Rashi says that Yosef was sold at the age of seventeen when he did not have a beard. Now, at thirty-nine, he had a full beard, and that is why they did not recognize him.

Rabbi Twerski presses the point and says that a beard does not completely cover one’s features. There are still clear family resemblances even with a beard. There is also a Midrash that says that when Shimon was incarcerated and tried to get away, Yosef’s son, Menashe, struck. Shimon was impressed by the blow to the extent that he commented that only a member of his family can hit that hard!

The reason why they didn’t consider that the viceroy of Egypt was their brother, shows the power of denial. Because they justified their actions in selling their brother, they couldn’t possibly accept that he had risen to such a position of power.

This shows how denial can be a very negative way of looking at things. It deprives that individual of being able to see reality as it is. It may be that he subconsciously chooses not to accept the truth, because that truth is too painful to accept.

We must remember that there is a connection between אמת, truth, and שלום, peace. There cannot be peace if there is no truth. Being in denial, prevents seeing the truth.

When the Jews were in Egypt, they lived by the Nile. Today they live “in denial!”

Celebrating No Jealousy

Rabbi Twerski pointed out that it was strange that Yosef and his brothers got drunk with him, when they were brought to his house. This was before he had revealed himself to his brothers. And we are told that none of them had touched any wine during the twenty two years since Yosef was sold into slavery.

The explanation for this strange behavior is connected with Binyamin receiving gifts five times more than the other brothers. Yosef was testing his brothers to see if they overcame their tendency towards jealousy. This, according to the Rambam, is proof that one has truly repented. He is confronted with the same temptation, but this time does not sin.

The drinking was a celebration that they had overcome the sin of jealousy. It may seem like a far fetched explanation, but there is a strong message here.

Jealousy is a tremendously harmful character flaw. It led to the exile to Egypt. But for us, one who is jealous of others, has no peace of mind. He can never be happy because he is focused on what others have. He is unable to be happy with his lot in life.

It is difficult for me to understand why this is not emphasized more in Jewish education. It would seem to be so basic, yet, so many fall victim to terrible negative personality trait.

Yosef’s brothers succeeded in overcoming jealousy. We need to do the same.

Spreading טומאה

Rabbi Mordechai Jaffe, also known as “the Levush,” was a sixteenth century scholar and Kabbalist. He explained the defiling of all of the oils in the Beit Hamikdash in a unique manner.

The Levush referred to a general Halacha related to the laws of עבודה זרה. The prohibition of idol worship is so great that it even contains טומאת אהל, the same defilement of being under the same roof as a corpse.

The Greeks first brought their idols into the Heichal, the main Temple building, and it was the idols that caused all of the containers of oil to be contaminated, except for one.

This explanation of the Levush is significant in pointing out how important it is to distance ourselves, not only from impurities, but from all negative influences.

We are affected negatively by such influences, that even being under the same roof with such negativity, can be most harmful.

This is the message of Chanukah and the victory that is celebrated. It was not only the few over the many, but it was a victory of holiness over impurity.

We must be diligent in making sure that we surround ourselves exclusively, with positive influences that bring us closer and closer to Hashem.

Do Not Rely on Miracles

This week we read פרשת מקץ that describes Yosef’s rise to power in Egypt. We are told at the beginning of the Parsha, that it took two years until Pharoah had his dream and needed Yosef’s help.

The commentators tell us that this was a punishment to Yosef for relying on the butler and not relying on Hashem. The question asked was what he actually did wrong. Aren’t we taught that we are not supposed to rely on miracles?

The answer is that there is a delicate balance involved when we do our השתדלות by taking some kind of action, and at the same time rely on Hashem.

The Baal Shem Tov once needed a place to stay for Shabbat. He knocked on the door of a Jew, and then ran away! The השתדלות was knocking on the door. The salvation was to come from Hashem.

Rabbi Twerski explained that what was learned from the Baal Shem Tov is that we must do our part, but it does not mean that the salvation needs to come from that action.

Yosef’s mistake was that he relied to heavily on the butler. Telling the butler that he was a Hebrew and he was innocent, was the השתדלות needed on his part. From that point on, he needed to take a step back and leave it to Hashem to make things happen. If the salvation would come from the butler, that would be fine. But he also needed to remember that Hashem could bring that salvation, any way that He saw fit. It could have come from somewhere else, just as easily that it could have come from the butler. This is the faith Yosef needed to have. This is the faith we need to have as well.

Jewish Pride

There is a detail mentioned incidentally in the story of the dreams of the baker and butler. Yosef tells the butler to put in a good word for him when he is reinstated.

He tells the butler, כי גנב גנבתי מארץ העברים, “Because I was stolen from the land of the Hebrews.” He is not embarrassed by his being a Hebrew, a proud Jew.

Compare this with the story of Moshe Rabbeinu saving Yitro’s daughters. They tell their father that an איש מצרי, an Egyptian man, saved us. There is an opinion that Moshe should have spoken up and proudly tell them, that he was a Hebrew, a proud Jew.

There is a Midrash that says that this was the actual reason why Yosef merited having his remains buried in Eretz Yisrael, in the city of Shechem. Moshe, on the other hand, did not have this merit and was buried outside of Israel.

It is always important to look for even the subtle details of the Torah. The lesson here is that we should be proud Jews. We must never be ashamed to declare that we are part of עם ישראל. In the end, we gain far greater respect in the eyes of the nations, when we are not afraid to declare who we are.

Chanukah Message

Rabbi Twerski views the miracle of Chanukah in terms of the concept of Teshuva. Most commentators speak of the victory over the Greeks in battle, or the miracle of the cruse of oil lasting for an extra seven days. But few speak of Teshuva.

We must understand the backdrop to this whole conflict. The real war began when Greek culture was introduced to the Jews of Israel. There was a battle between the Chassidim, who wanted to remain firm in their commitment to Judaism, and the Hellenists, who were Jews that adopted Greek culture, and swayed away from Jewish practice.

This is what led to the rebellion of the Maccabees. Matityahu, the High Priest, began the rebellion when he killed a Hellenist, eating pork in public. This led to the famous cry of “Whoever is for Hashem, come with me.” This is an acrostic in Hebrew, spelling the word מכבי.

Rabbi Twerski was pointing that one of the great successes of the rebellion and miracle of the oil, was that many of the Hellenists did Teshuva and realized their foolishness in abandoning Judaism. The return to Hashem of a Baal Teshuva is very powerful. They are elevated to a very high level of spirituality.

This should be our Chanukah prayer, that all of the Hellenists who have distanced themselves from Judaism, should all come home, to Hashem and Kedusha.

Admitting Mistakes

The one major point that stands out about Yehuda and his emergence as the leader of the Jewish people, was his ability to admit when he was wrong.

Tamar was willing to risk her life rather than embarrass Yehuda. And he was a big enough person to say those famous words, צדקה ממני, that she is more righteous than me.

When we look at world leaders throughout history, it is very rare for one to publicly admit when they are wrong. Only King David really stuck out as such a leader who immediately accepted guilt when confronted with his behavior with Bat Sheva. And he was a descendant of Yehuda.

It is always easier to “pass the buck” and put the blame on others. But what such leaders need to realize, is that such admissions actually increase the respect they will receive.

It is very human to make mistakes. But it is perhaps super-human to have the courage to be able to admit and ask forgiveness for such mistakes.

The proof of this was the ultimate results of such confessions, helped make Yehuda and David the great men that they became.

Self Esteem

We learn from the incident of Yehuda and Tamar, how Yehuda emerged as the leader of all of the brothers. He ultimately showed that he was worthy of the monarchy.

Rabbi Twerski attributes Yehuda’s special character from his mother, Leah. When he was born, she said, הפעם אודה את ה׳, “This time I will thank Hashem.”

The word, אודה, actually has two meanings. Aside from its meaning of thankfulness as in מודה אני לפניך, it can also be connected to וידוי, confession.

This explains how Yehuda owned up to his behavior with Tamar. His mother taught that it is not only the proper thing to do, but it is okay to do so.

Rabbi Twerski felt that the ability to admit one’s errors, as well as being able to give gratitude, is a reflection of an individual’s self esteem.

People with low self esteem are afraid to apologize for their bad behavior, and admit when they are wrong, is because they feel they will be beholden to that person. They will feel equally beholden when they thank a person for his kindness. All of this reflects a low level of self esteem.

The future Davidic dynasty, had to come from leaders that possessed humility and a good self esteem. Yehuda possessed these qualities that he learned from his mother.

Parenting

Shavua Tov-

Rabbi Twerski takes the Pasuk that describes Yakov’s love for Yosef as being greater than his love of his other children, as an opportunity to discuss parenting.

Most commentators felt that Yakov made a mistake by making it clear that he had a favorite son. The only justification for such behavior was his intense love for Rachel. She was taken from him prematurely, and Yosef was a great comfort for her loss.

In my opinion, there is something terribly wrong with parents who prefer one child over another. All children should be “loved” equally.

There is a difference between “enjoying” one child over another, and “loving” one child over another. Some children are easier to handle and their personalities don’t clash with their parents. Such children are enjoyed more by their parents, but they are not loved more than the difficult children.

Rabbi Twerski adds that since most people become parents when they are young and inexperienced, they should be encouraged to take advice from older, more experienced parents.

We need a license to fish, a license to drive a car, but no license for parenting. Even a great Tzaddik like Yakov Avinu, is capable of making an error in parenting, that had very painful consequences.

Practical Chinuch

In פרשת וישב, we learn of the special relationship between Yakov and Yosef. He is referred to as Yakov’s בן זקונים, son of his old age, because he taught most of his Torah to his beloved son.

It is interesting that the commentators point out that Yakov taught Yosef the Torah he learned during his fourteen years of study at the Yeshiva of Shem and Eiver. It does not say that he taught the Torah he learned from his father, Yitzchak.

The reason for this is that Yitzchak’s Torah was given in an ideal world, when everyone sat in their tents and treated people properly. The Torah learned by Shem and Eiver was designed to help Yakov cope in the real world.

He needed to acquire the tools to know how to stand up against corruption and immorality. There were evil people in the world such as Lavan and Eisav. And there were many things in the world that could entice an innocent Jew to go off the Derech.

Yosef’s knowledge that he received from his father allowed him to come out unscathed from the decadence of Egypt.

Rabbi Twerski, himself, was given very serious directions from the Steipler Gaon, how to survive medical school while being exposed to what was happening on college campuses.

He had to promise to learn Torah for two hours a day, never miss a minyan, and study Mussar books to keep him strong.

It is wonderful to learn all aspects of the Torah. But it is equally important to learn the Shem and Eiver type of Torah that will allow us to overcome the real challenges of today’s world.

Diplomatically Separate

It is interesting to note how Yakov diplomatically separated himself from Eisav. After the two brothers made peace, Eisav offered to travel together with his brother’s family.

Yakov realized that his association with Eisav cannot bring any positive results. His negative influence on Yakov’s family would have been seriously detrimental. This was a warning for future generations as to how to take great caution in our association with the Gentile world.

At our Passover Seder, we recite the Pasuk, וירעו אותנו המצרים. The word וירעו, is generally translated that the Egyptians acted in an evil way, derived from the word, רע.

But וירעו could also come from the word רעך, your friend.

Rabbi Twerski points out how historically we have been harmed by physical attacks against Jews. The Holocaust was such an example where six million Jews perished. But since the Holocaust, we lost six million Jews to intermarriage. This came about because Jews were befriended by their non-Jewish acquaintances.

The best way for us to act is to remain separate. We are to always be courteous and respectful in our dealings with non-Jews, but we must realize the dangers.

Once a distraught father went to Rabbi Twerski, after his son had intermarried. He told the rabbi that had he known the future outcome, he would have kept a kosher home. We must learn from Yakov how to separate and take pride in our own Jewishness.

Eisav Hates Yakov

The מעינה של תורה tries to give an explanation to a rabbinic statement that says, הלכה: עשו שונא את יעקב. It is a rule that Eisav hates Yakov.

This is a painful statement with a strong dose of reality. It doesn’t matter what Jews will do in their interaction with non-Jews. Jews will be hated.

Over the centuries, Jews assumed they will gain popularity if they choose to be socialists. At other times, they thought capitalism would allow them to be accepted by their Gentile peers. This did not work either.

Today, many believe that it is liberalism that will bring this sought after acceptance. Nothing is meant to work as this is the Jewish destiny.

We are not meant to mix with the other nations. We are a nation that dwells apart. We have a special role to play in the world.

We are not meant to have a social relationship when we live among non-Jews. We are allowed to have a political or economic relationship.

We must always be aware of this “Halacha.” When we accept this reality, we will be better off for it. Living with delusions, is never a healthy way to live.

Timna

The end of פרשת וישלח gives us the lineage of עשו’s family. If one looks closely at the various families, we see how incest was rampant and it was far from family purity.

We were also told that Timna was the concubine of Eisav’s son, Eliphaz. She was also the mother of Amalek, the archenemy of the Jewish people.

The Talmud in Sanhedrin tells us that this same Timna, was rejected for conversion by Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yakov. This was difficult to understand how all three felt that she was not worthy of becoming part of the Jewish people.

It is assumed that they all had a legitimate reason to reject her, but they were still reprimanded for their lack of compassion. The proof that their decision was wrong was evidenced by the ultimate birth of Amalek.

Rabbi Twerski suggested that perhaps things could have turned out differently had there been more sensitivity and compassion. If Timna was given more kindness in the way that they did not accept her, it may have been better.

In life, we are all faced with the problem of having to reject someone. It might apply to Shidduchim, or in an employer-employee situation. We can’t hire everyone, but we should still be gentle in our rejection of that individual. This lesson can be learned from Timna, the mother of Amalek.

Loneliness

The incident of Yakov wrestling with the angel, came about when Yakov was left alone. He went back to retrieve some forgotten packages that were left behind.

Rabbi Twerski took this story to speak about the highly negative side of loneliness. Aside from being told in the Torah that it is not good when man is left alone, it can be detrimental to one’s emotional well being.

When one chooses to be alone, it could lead to self centeredness. And when a person is not giving to others, he will be unhappy and lacking in self esteem. These become the ingredients towards alcoholism and other addictions.

When one does acts of kindness, Chessed, it gives him a sense of purpose meaning, and worthiness. Selfish people, despite having great wealth, are miserable. One cannot achieve real joy, unless he is a real giver.

There is a clear danger to isolation. Ideally, we need to surround ourselves with people that share the same principles of Chessed. Helping others becomes contagious.

Yakov was left alone and he overcame the challenge. But it was quite a struggle that left him with a limp so that he would remember the lesson. We are nation where we are meant to give and strengthen one another. We are not meant to be alone.

Eisav’s Merits

We learn in our Parsha that Yakov had a fear that he lost his merits and might not be able to overcome Eisav. He thought that perhaps during his twenty years with Lavan, he may have sinned and he was no longer worthy of Hashem’s protection.

In addition to this concern, he realized that although Eisav was clearly a רשע, an evil person, he performed two Mitzvot that he did not.

During Yakov’s long absence, he was not performing the Mitzva of Kibbud Av, honoring his father, that Eisav did observe diligently. Eisav also fulfilled the Mitzva of settling in Eretz Yisrael, that Yakov did not.

It is even told that the Vilna Gaon once lamented the fact that he never was able to live in Israel. He said that he wasn’t even as good as Eisav, who did fulfill that Mitzva.

We learn from all of this that we must never underestimate the value of even one Mitzva. We do not know how Hashem decides one’s merits. Therefore, we should try to observe all Mitzvot diligently.

Face to Face Confrontation

This week we read of the reunion between Yakov and Eisav in פרשת וישלח. It was clear that Eisav hated Yakov for taking the first born blessing from him. It looked as though he was ready for war, and he wanted to destroy his twin brother.

Rabbi Twerski felt that a great deal can be learned from Yakov and how he appeased his brother, and ended the conflict.

The turning point that made Eisav cool off from his great resentment of his brother, came when they actually met face to face. Perhaps the gifts Yakov sent, softened him up, but it wasn’t until they met, that things changed.

Rabbi Twerski wrote of some major disagreements between certain Chassidic masters, and their conflict ended as well when they met face to face.

He even quoted Abraham Lincoln who once said, “I do not like that man very much. I should get to know him better!”

When people are not getting along and they stop speaking to one another, they need a cooling off period. But the way to make things right comes with a face to face meeting. Dramatic changes in feelings can occur, when there is a direct relationship.

Obviously, this is not a full proof method, and relationships are very complicated. Nevertheless, if such a solution worked for Yakov, it is something that we should give serious consideration.

Indifference

Rabbi Twerski has a novel idea in interpreting the reason why Yakov realized it was time to leave חרן and come back to Eretz Yisrael.

The Torah tells us that Yakov looked at Lavan and did not like the expression on his face. Most interpret this to mean that Lavan’s expression changed and Yakov noticed this anger in his eyes that could potentially harm him and his family.

Rabbi Twerski felt that Yakov began to be alarmed because he suddenly saw himself as being indifferent to the evil of his father in-law. Until then, every time he looked at Lavan, he was fully aware of the extent of the evil and deceit of his wives’ father. Now, after twenty years, he started getting used to that expression.

Yakov understood that indifference is a dangerous thing. When evil is suddenly tolerated, it has a profoundly negative effect on society.

We have become an indifferent society. So many things that we found unacceptable and even repulsive, are now viewed as the norm.

There was a time that it was considered immoral for an unmarried couple to live together. Physician assisted killings, gang wars, school shootings, same sex marriages, and drug abuse, were things that once created outrage among the masses. The indifference to all of this, has caused a weakening of the moral fabric of today’s society.

When Yakov saw himself as becoming indifferent to the רשע, Lavan, he knew it was time to go. If he wouldn’t leave, the holiness and service of Hashem that he had worked for, would now be compromised. He could not let this happen.

Blaming

There is a strange Rashi in connection with the birth of Yosef. Rachel had desired a son very badly, and she felt like a dead person without a child. Finally, when she was blessed with a son, Rashi says that she is relieved for now she has someone to blame.

It seems that out great matriarch, Rachel, who did an incredible act of loyalty to her sister, to save her humiliation, would view a son as someone to blame.

Rabbi Twerski felt that this comment was said half in jest, and Rashi had a sense of humor. But he used this commentary as an opportunity to speak about blaming, in general.

He sees blaming as a very negative character trait. Blaming is counter productive. It holds us back from accomplishing and gives us an excuse not to achieve. In essence, those who choose to blame are doing this in order to resist change. It is much easier to blame others rather than look at ourselves, and do what is necessary to make improvements in our character and our overall functioning in this world.

Perhaps when we realize how harmful blaming is to us, we will stop doing it, and focus on what is really important in this world.

One Day At a Time

Rabbi Twerski asks a very good question as to how it was possible for Yakov Avinu to look at his seven year wait,(he was eighty three at the time), as ימים אחדים, just a few days.

The Torah makes it sound as though those seven years of hard work in anticipation of getting married, seemed like only a few days. For anyone else, each day would seem like an eternity, until they would be able to be united with their true love.

Rabbi Twerski learned the answer to this question from recovering drug and alcohol addicts. He often marveled as to how they had the will power to make a serious change in their life.

Over and over, he was told by those who successfully recovered, that the secret to their success, was simply taking one day at a time.

If someone looks at a task ahead of him, reaching the finish line seems like something insurmountable. But if you take things one day at a time, you can much more easily reach your goal.

Yakov saw that seven year wait as ימים אחדים, because he was not focused on the seven years. He was focused on one day at a time, and that’s how it seemed the years passed quickly.

Good Midot Are Infectious

After Yakov had experienced the miracle of קפיצת הדרך, where he arrived in חרן in record time, he met the shepherds by the well. ( A friend of mine told me that the chief rabbi of Turkey told him that he could show him that exact well where Yakov met Rachel. חרן was in Turkey.)

He rebuked the shepherds for not giving water to the flocks. They told him about the heavy rock covering the well. Rav Shimshon Rafael Hirsh wrote that the rock was there in the first place, because the shepherds didn’t trust one another, and were afraid there wouldn’t be enough water for themselves. In essence Yakov was rebuking them for their bad character.

Rabbi Twerski commented that good Midot are infectious. When one surrounds himself with good people, their goodness will spread to all those around them.

Trust and diligence go hand in hand. The same is true of distrust and laziness. This is but another example of lessons learned from an apparently trivial incident.