Impulsiveness and Anger

Parshat ויחי has the blessings of Yakov to his sons. The fact that he blessed them all, shows that he forgave them for their part in Yosef’s sale.

Some of the sons, like Yehuda, received strong blessings, while with others, the blessing came with rebuke.

Specifically, it was Reuven, and Shimon and Levi, who received the strongest rebuke. In Reuven’s case, it was his impulsiveness and impetuous behavior, that got him in trouble, that caused him to lose the birthright. He acted without thinking by moving his father’s bed from Bilha’s tent, to that of his mother, Leah.

In the case of Shimon and Levi, they were reprimanded for their anger, in their handling of the people of Shechem. It wasn’t the killing of the residents of Shechem that upset Yakov. It was their anger that they didn’t control, that was their problem.

Rabbi Twerski connects these two negative traits of impulsiveness and anger, as being equally bad. Both represent acting without thinking of the consequences. He even goes so far to say that all forces of he’ll dominate such people. Animals act on impulse. Human beings, and especially Jews, are expected to learn how to control their anger, and carefully consider their actions before they do something they might regret.

No Self Deception

This week we complete the Book of Bereishit, as we read פרשת ויחי. The Parsha begins with Yakov calling for Yosef and asking him to make sure that he will be buried in Eretz Yisrael.

He recounts his life and gives Yosef an explanation as to why he chose to bury Rachel in Beit Lechem and not in מערת המכפלה in Chevron. Instead of simply telling him that this was Hashem’s decision, Yakov goes into a lengthy explanation as to why he wanted Rachel to pray for her children as they went into Galut.

Rabbi Twerski wrote that there was a message to be learned here. There are times when we make decisions in life, and we try to justify these decisions by saying they are certain that this was Hashem’s will.

We must be extremely careful not to deceive ourselves for our motivation in making such decisions. It is always best to run things by a trusted friend or rabbi, before making a major decision. This way it truly can be that it was Divine will, just as Yakov was able to claim in his conversation with Yosef.

Power of שמע

After the emotional reunion between Yakov and Yosef, it became clear that the Yakov’s family of seventy, would be moving to Egypt. Miraculously, during their 210 year stay, the family would emerge as a nation of 600,000. Nevertheless, Yakov had great concerns about leaving Israel.

It was clear that Egypt was the most decadent place on earth, and the negative influences there were great. Yakov preferred to finish the last years of his life in the Land of his fathers, the holy land of Israel.

For this reason, Hashem needed to give assurances to Yakov. He tells him, אל תירא מרדה מצרימה, “Do not be afraid of going down to Egypt.” He further tells him that, ויוסף ישית ידך על עיניך, “And Yosef will place his hands on your eyes.”

This is a strange verse of reassurance. The commentators explain that this refers to the power of קריאת שמע. Yakov is told that his children will meet the challenge of being in Egypt, because they will never stop reciting the שמע. The Shema is an affirmation our unshakable faith in Hashem, and an affirmation that His Oneness rules the world.

As long as Jews continue to recite the שמע, they will never forget who they are, and they will never abandon Hashem’s holy Torah.

Basic Midot

Now that we are approaching the end of the Book of Bereishit, also known as ספר המידות, the Book of Midot, some conclusions should be made.

It continues to surprise me how people who come from good families, and study these Parshiot, do not possess the basic character traits taught by our Patriarchs and Matriarchs.

We learned so much about being sensitive to others, including those who harmed us. Yet, people don’t seem to understand how careful they must be with their speech. We need to be certain not to harm another person’s self esteem. This is especially true in marriage where couples should be so careful not to insult one another, avoid criticism, and definitely not insult one another.

The subject of jealousy was brought up numerous times, and it was emphasized just how damaging this negative character trait is. Included here, is the importance of learning to be happy with one’s lot, and not looking at what others have.

We have to learn how to be genuinely happy at another person’s success. Yosef needed to be certain that his brothers finally learned this lesson.

It is my sincere hope that we will all make an effort to incorporate these valuable and basic lessons into our own personalities. We will benefit so much, if we do.

Mother Tongue

When Yosef revealed himself to his brothers, he tells them, כי פי המדבר אליכם, which is interpreted to mean, that he was speaking to them in Hebrew. The Ramban explains that unlike previous meetings that had Yosef speaking in Egypt by way of an interpreter, he was now speaking to them in Hebrew.

This is another explanation as to why the brothers couldn’t figure out that the viceroy of Egypt was actually Yosef. Had they spoken in Hebrew all the time, they may have detected a familiar voice. But this is much more difficult, when Yosef was speaking in Egyptian.

There is one further point about speech. Yosef was also indicating that he, too, had repented for his bad speech that caused his brothers to hate him in the first place.

The reunion of Yakov’s family, was healing on many levels.

Strong Rebuke

There is a Midrash on this week’s Parsha that has a very powerful message. It says אוי לנו מיום הדין אוי לנו מיום התוכחה, which means woe is to us the Day of Judgement, and woe to us the day of rebuke.

The Midrash goes on to explain, that if we look at Yosef, among the youngest of the brothers, and they could not respond to his rebuke, and were dumbfounded, what will happen when each of us will stand before the Holy One Blessed Be He?

How will be able to answer when we will be shown our lives and numerous inadequacies? Will we be full of shame and embarrassment for not trying to reach our full potential?

This episode is a strong reminder that there will be a day of reckoning for all of us. The Pasuk in the Torah that tells us to respect our elders says, מפני שיבה תקום, that we are to stand before the elderly. A better interpretation would be לפני שיבה תקום, which would mean, before you become elderly, wake up! The time for Teshuva is now!

מעט ורעים

Yakov Avinu is generally criticized for telling Pharoah that his life was מעט ורעים, “few and bad.” Some opinions say that if you count the number of words in that section, it equals the number of years that Yakov did not live that would have equaled Avraham’s 175 years, or Yitzchak’s 180 years. In other words, years were taken from Yakov’s life because of his bitterness, and he lived to 147.

It was true that Yakov had many challenges in his life, but he always came out on top, and had no reason to express any bitterness at all.

There is a totally different opinion from Rav Mann that Yakov really did nothing wrong at all. It very well could have been that Pharoah was marveling at how great Yosef was to his father. He was assuming that Yosef’s early years must have been were years of privilege. Yakov must have had it all to give the upbringing that would give his son the tools to be able to turn Egypt into the world’s superpower.

When Yakov recognized this attitude that “Jews have it all,” he needed to downplay his status. He, therefore, told Pharoah that he shouldn’t think things were so easy. His years were few and bad. There is no need for him to be jealous.

Already in Egypt, the seeds of anti-semitism were planted and we needed to learn how to combat them.

This is but another example of two very different interpretations to the same Pasuk.

Power of Speaking Softly

Parshat Vayigash is one of the most emotional Parshiot of the entire Torah. We learn of the reunion of Yakov and Yosef, and how Yosef revealed himself to his brothers.

Rabbi Twerski has a unique interpretation as to how Yehuda convinced Yosef that he should not take Binyamin as hostage. He did this because he was a great communicator. He never raised his voice and always spoke in a calm, soothing voice. In Kohelet it says, “Gentle words of the wise are heard above the shouts of a king.”

If you want what you have to say to have merit, say it softly. Shouting and harsh words demonstrate the weakness of your argument. Speaking softly and gently will enable you to be heard.

Yehuda’s successful plea to Yosef should teach us a lesson in communication with others. The idea of דיבור בנחת, speaking calmly is the main ingredient in conquering anger.

Husbands and wives need to work on never raising their voices. This cannot lead to anything positive. And disagreements should never be settled when one of the sides is still upset. It is best to wait until all is calm, when there is the best chance of settling matters.

Until now, we never looked at Yehuda as the one that taught us that we must speak in a calm voice. He also showed us that this method actually works.

Maintaining Self Esteem

The question that is asked every year about the story of Yosef and his brothers, is why Yakov was not notified earlier that Yosef was still alive. It took nine years until he was reunited with his beloved son.

A traditional answer that is given is that for some mystical reason, it was important that Yosef see his dreams fulfilled. This is difficult to understand.

Rabbi Twerski suggests that this delay was necessary in order to preserve the self esteem of the brothers. Had Yakov been told immediately about Yosef’s appointment, the brothers would have been exposed for their treacherous act of selling their brother.

The brothers were able to show their sincere remorse for their sin. And they proved this when Yosef showed favoritism to Binyamin, and there was no jealousy.

We cannot minimize the importance of helping maintain one’s self esteem. Rabbi Twerski maintained that self esteem is a major component of a healthy personality. It was important enough to delay Yakov’s reunion with Yosef by nine years.

Keep a Low Profile

The famine that Yosef predicted spread throughout the world. The Torah tells us that when it reached Canaan where Yakov lived, he comforted his family.

He told them, למה תתראו, “Why should you be afraid?” Rashi tells us that they actually still had food, and they were not in a desperate situation. They were not starving and were provided for by Hashem.

Nevertheless, Yakov tried to teach his children a message for all generations. He was telling them that they should take great care not to arouse the jealousy of the nations around them.

It would create very bad feelings if everyone around them was desperate for food, while the Jews had plenty. This would likely create a sentiment of anti-semitism with an attitude that the Jews have all the money.

Jews were supposed to learn that when they are living among the nations, they needed to keep a low profile and not show off their wealth. They were to take great care not to arouse the jealousy of the nations. Such anti-Jewish sentiments could translate into physical harm and discrimination against the Jewish people.

It is always important to be modest and humble. But it is especially important in showing this modesty and humility, when it comes to showing off wealth. If this is not done, it could have disastrous consequences.

Being “In Denial”

It is difficult to understand how Yosef recognized his brothers, when they came down to Egypt, but they did not recognize him. Rashi says that Yosef was sold at the age of seventeen when he did not have a beard. Now, at thirty-nine, he had a full beard, and that is why they did not recognize him.

Rabbi Twerski presses the point and says that a beard does not completely cover one’s features. There are still clear family resemblances even with a beard. There is also a Midrash that says that when Shimon was incarcerated and tried to get away, Yosef’s son, Menashe, struck. Shimon was impressed by the blow to the extent that he commented that only a member of his family can hit that hard!

The reason why they didn’t consider that the viceroy of Egypt was their brother, shows the power of denial. Because they justified their actions in selling their brother, they couldn’t possibly accept that he had risen to such a position of power.

This shows how denial can be a very negative way of looking at things. It deprives that individual of being able to see reality as it is. It may be that he subconsciously chooses not to accept the truth, because that truth is too painful to accept.

We must remember that there is a connection between אמת, truth, and שלום, peace. There cannot be peace if there is no truth. Being in denial, prevents seeing the truth.

When the Jews were in Egypt, they lived by the Nile. Today they live “in denial!”

Celebrating No Jealousy

Rabbi Twerski pointed out that it was strange that Yosef and his brothers got drunk with him, when they were brought to his house. This was before he had revealed himself to his brothers. And we are told that none of them had touched any wine during the twenty two years since Yosef was sold into slavery.

The explanation for this strange behavior is connected with Binyamin receiving gifts five times more than the other brothers. Yosef was testing his brothers to see if they overcame their tendency towards jealousy. This, according to the Rambam, is proof that one has truly repented. He is confronted with the same temptation, but this time does not sin.

The drinking was a celebration that they had overcome the sin of jealousy. It may seem like a far fetched explanation, but there is a strong message here.

Jealousy is a tremendously harmful character flaw. It led to the exile to Egypt. But for us, one who is jealous of others, has no peace of mind. He can never be happy because he is focused on what others have. He is unable to be happy with his lot in life.

It is difficult for me to understand why this is not emphasized more in Jewish education. It would seem to be so basic, yet, so many fall victim to terrible negative personality trait.

Yosef’s brothers succeeded in overcoming jealousy. We need to do the same.

Spreading טומאה

Rabbi Mordechai Jaffe, also known as “the Levush,” was a sixteenth century scholar and Kabbalist. He explained the defiling of all of the oils in the Beit Hamikdash in a unique manner.

The Levush referred to a general Halacha related to the laws of עבודה זרה. The prohibition of idol worship is so great that it even contains טומאת אהל, the same defilement of being under the same roof as a corpse.

The Greeks first brought their idols into the Heichal, the main Temple building, and it was the idols that caused all of the containers of oil to be contaminated, except for one.

This explanation of the Levush is significant in pointing out how important it is to distance ourselves, not only from impurities, but from all negative influences.

We are affected negatively by such influences, that even being under the same roof with such negativity, can be most harmful.

This is the message of Chanukah and the victory that is celebrated. It was not only the few over the many, but it was a victory of holiness over impurity.

We must be diligent in making sure that we surround ourselves exclusively, with positive influences that bring us closer and closer to Hashem.

Do Not Rely on Miracles

This week we read פרשת מקץ that describes Yosef’s rise to power in Egypt. We are told at the beginning of the Parsha, that it took two years until Pharoah had his dream and needed Yosef’s help.

The commentators tell us that this was a punishment to Yosef for relying on the butler and not relying on Hashem. The question asked was what he actually did wrong. Aren’t we taught that we are not supposed to rely on miracles?

The answer is that there is a delicate balance involved when we do our השתדלות by taking some kind of action, and at the same time rely on Hashem.

The Baal Shem Tov once needed a place to stay for Shabbat. He knocked on the door of a Jew, and then ran away! The השתדלות was knocking on the door. The salvation was to come from Hashem.

Rabbi Twerski explained that what was learned from the Baal Shem Tov is that we must do our part, but it does not mean that the salvation needs to come from that action.

Yosef’s mistake was that he relied to heavily on the butler. Telling the butler that he was a Hebrew and he was innocent, was the השתדלות needed on his part. From that point on, he needed to take a step back and leave it to Hashem to make things happen. If the salvation would come from the butler, that would be fine. But he also needed to remember that Hashem could bring that salvation, any way that He saw fit. It could have come from somewhere else, just as easily that it could have come from the butler. This is the faith Yosef needed to have. This is the faith we need to have as well.

Jewish Pride

There is a detail mentioned incidentally in the story of the dreams of the baker and butler. Yosef tells the butler to put in a good word for him when he is reinstated.

He tells the butler, כי גנב גנבתי מארץ העברים, “Because I was stolen from the land of the Hebrews.” He is not embarrassed by his being a Hebrew, a proud Jew.

Compare this with the story of Moshe Rabbeinu saving Yitro’s daughters. They tell their father that an איש מצרי, an Egyptian man, saved us. There is an opinion that Moshe should have spoken up and proudly tell them, that he was a Hebrew, a proud Jew.

There is a Midrash that says that this was the actual reason why Yosef merited having his remains buried in Eretz Yisrael, in the city of Shechem. Moshe, on the other hand, did not have this merit and was buried outside of Israel.

It is always important to look for even the subtle details of the Torah. The lesson here is that we should be proud Jews. We must never be ashamed to declare that we are part of עם ישראל. In the end, we gain far greater respect in the eyes of the nations, when we are not afraid to declare who we are.

Chanukah Message

Rabbi Twerski views the miracle of Chanukah in terms of the concept of Teshuva. Most commentators speak of the victory over the Greeks in battle, or the miracle of the cruse of oil lasting for an extra seven days. But few speak of Teshuva.

We must understand the backdrop to this whole conflict. The real war began when Greek culture was introduced to the Jews of Israel. There was a battle between the Chassidim, who wanted to remain firm in their commitment to Judaism, and the Hellenists, who were Jews that adopted Greek culture, and swayed away from Jewish practice.

This is what led to the rebellion of the Maccabees. Matityahu, the High Priest, began the rebellion when he killed a Hellenist, eating pork in public. This led to the famous cry of “Whoever is for Hashem, come with me.” This is an acrostic in Hebrew, spelling the word מכבי.

Rabbi Twerski was pointing that one of the great successes of the rebellion and miracle of the oil, was that many of the Hellenists did Teshuva and realized their foolishness in abandoning Judaism. The return to Hashem of a Baal Teshuva is very powerful. They are elevated to a very high level of spirituality.

This should be our Chanukah prayer, that all of the Hellenists who have distanced themselves from Judaism, should all come home, to Hashem and Kedusha.

Admitting Mistakes

The one major point that stands out about Yehuda and his emergence as the leader of the Jewish people, was his ability to admit when he was wrong.

Tamar was willing to risk her life rather than embarrass Yehuda. And he was a big enough person to say those famous words, צדקה ממני, that she is more righteous than me.

When we look at world leaders throughout history, it is very rare for one to publicly admit when they are wrong. Only King David really stuck out as such a leader who immediately accepted guilt when confronted with his behavior with Bat Sheva. And he was a descendant of Yehuda.

It is always easier to “pass the buck” and put the blame on others. But what such leaders need to realize, is that such admissions actually increase the respect they will receive.

It is very human to make mistakes. But it is perhaps super-human to have the courage to be able to admit and ask forgiveness for such mistakes.

The proof of this was the ultimate results of such confessions, helped make Yehuda and David the great men that they became.

Self Esteem

We learn from the incident of Yehuda and Tamar, how Yehuda emerged as the leader of all of the brothers. He ultimately showed that he was worthy of the monarchy.

Rabbi Twerski attributes Yehuda’s special character from his mother, Leah. When he was born, she said, הפעם אודה את ה׳, “This time I will thank Hashem.”

The word, אודה, actually has two meanings. Aside from its meaning of thankfulness as in מודה אני לפניך, it can also be connected to וידוי, confession.

This explains how Yehuda owned up to his behavior with Tamar. His mother taught that it is not only the proper thing to do, but it is okay to do so.

Rabbi Twerski felt that the ability to admit one’s errors, as well as being able to give gratitude, is a reflection of an individual’s self esteem.

People with low self esteem are afraid to apologize for their bad behavior, and admit when they are wrong, is because they feel they will be beholden to that person. They will feel equally beholden when they thank a person for his kindness. All of this reflects a low level of self esteem.

The future Davidic dynasty, had to come from leaders that possessed humility and a good self esteem. Yehuda possessed these qualities that he learned from his mother.

Parenting

Shavua Tov-

Rabbi Twerski takes the Pasuk that describes Yakov’s love for Yosef as being greater than his love of his other children, as an opportunity to discuss parenting.

Most commentators felt that Yakov made a mistake by making it clear that he had a favorite son. The only justification for such behavior was his intense love for Rachel. She was taken from him prematurely, and Yosef was a great comfort for her loss.

In my opinion, there is something terribly wrong with parents who prefer one child over another. All children should be “loved” equally.

There is a difference between “enjoying” one child over another, and “loving” one child over another. Some children are easier to handle and their personalities don’t clash with their parents. Such children are enjoyed more by their parents, but they are not loved more than the difficult children.

Rabbi Twerski adds that since most people become parents when they are young and inexperienced, they should be encouraged to take advice from older, more experienced parents.

We need a license to fish, a license to drive a car, but no license for parenting. Even a great Tzaddik like Yakov Avinu, is capable of making an error in parenting, that had very painful consequences.

Practical Chinuch

In פרשת וישב, we learn of the special relationship between Yakov and Yosef. He is referred to as Yakov’s בן זקונים, son of his old age, because he taught most of his Torah to his beloved son.

It is interesting that the commentators point out that Yakov taught Yosef the Torah he learned during his fourteen years of study at the Yeshiva of Shem and Eiver. It does not say that he taught the Torah he learned from his father, Yitzchak.

The reason for this is that Yitzchak’s Torah was given in an ideal world, when everyone sat in their tents and treated people properly. The Torah learned by Shem and Eiver was designed to help Yakov cope in the real world.

He needed to acquire the tools to know how to stand up against corruption and immorality. There were evil people in the world such as Lavan and Eisav. And there were many things in the world that could entice an innocent Jew to go off the Derech.

Yosef’s knowledge that he received from his father allowed him to come out unscathed from the decadence of Egypt.

Rabbi Twerski, himself, was given very serious directions from the Steipler Gaon, how to survive medical school while being exposed to what was happening on college campuses.

He had to promise to learn Torah for two hours a day, never miss a minyan, and study Mussar books to keep him strong.

It is wonderful to learn all aspects of the Torah. But it is equally important to learn the Shem and Eiver type of Torah that will allow us to overcome the real challenges of today’s world.